Because Quarian Pirates Will Look Better on the Paperwork
by TheXGrayXLady
Summary: In which Shepard attempts to help Garrus plan a surprise for Tali and shenanigans ensue.


**Notes:** Because TBCH I would pay money for DLC or a sequel that consisted of Shepard going around and helping the crewmates do mundane activities. This was supposed to be much more Talibrations centric, but I really enjoyed writing Shepard and Garrus snarking at each other. Also have you ever had a moment where you have to have the thought, "That's not how chirality works?" Because I do.

 _ **Because Quarian Pirates Will Look Better on the Paperwork**_

"Garrus, with all due respect, what the fuck." Shepard squinted at the Turian as she stood at the head of the mess, her coffee cup in hand. She really should have brought her glasses, but she swore she saw a whisk in his hand. "It's three AM."

"I could say the same to you," he said, pointing what was likely the whisk at her.

"I successfully negotiated with Kaidan for the thing with the biotics, and you know I can't sleep after that," she said, shuffling towards the coffee maker, her leg still a little unsteady.

"Which thing with the biotics?" Garrus said, reaching across the island for a bottle. She wasn't sufficiently distracted by her coffee to ignore his uncharacteristic interest in her sex life.

"Look Vakarian," she said, selecting a dark roast. "Not once have I asked if Tali does tech things to you. A woman is entitled to her secrets."

"First, you did ask if she'd ever hacked my visor and second, if you're entitled to your secrets, then I'm entitled to mine," he said, tasting whatever was in the bowl and making a face.

"You're doing some pretty intense cooking with…" she picked up the bottle and brought it up to her face. "…dextro vanilla?" She set both her coffee cup and the bottle down and blinked. "Garrus, did you spend money on dextro vanilla?"

"Well we didn't have it on the ship," he said, as if that was the most reasonable response in the world.

"Are you aware that vanillin and ethanol are achiral molecules?" she said, rubbing her eyebrow. She was not in the mood to track down merchants marking up achiral food items and selling them as chiral.

"I didn't want to take the chance that Tali couldn't eat it," Garrus said, picking up something else and stirring it into the mixture. "Whenever she's away on Admiralty business, she lives off nutrient paste and the Quarian equivalent of cup noodles and I wanted to surprise her with a nice home cooked meal when she gets back."

"Garrus, she's not going to be back for another two weeks," she said, putting her mug under the coffee maker just before it started to drip. "It's three AM."

"I wanted to practice, get the measurements right, figure out cooking times, recalibrate the oven…"

"As adorable as this is, please don't recalibrate the oven," she said. "I use that oven."

"That statement scares me almost as much as, "I found the Mako. It still works," and it's several degree…"

"Just because you'd regret eating it doesn't mean other people do," she said, staring at the coffee maker and willing it to work faster.

"I'm sure that's what Kaidan lets you think," he replied, sticking one of his claws into the batter and testing it again. His eyes narrowed and mandibles flared. "That's not right."

"What's it supposed to be?" she asked.

"When I first had this idea, I asked Raan to send me a few recipes and they've all turned out well, but this morning, she sent me this cake Tali mentioned liking, it's supposed to be sort of like an earth lemon cake. I tried a dextro lemon cake on the Citadel once, so I know that this," he gestured to the batter, "is not turning out like a lemon cake?"

"Are you sure you followed the recipe?" she said, taking her cup and looking at his datapad. "Did you cream the dextro-sugar and gourd puree?"

"Yes."

She brought the datapad close to her face and squinted at it. "Soak the seki seeds in hot water?" He nodded. "Gently fold the resulting gel into the sugar and puree?"

"Like it was a fine silk shirt," he said.

"Sift together flour, salt, powdered citri-squash, and baking…" She hated the font on Garrus' datapad. It was too small and too shifty for her to read without her glasses or contacts. "…soda?"

"Soda."

"Thank you. Slowly mix the flour with the sugar mixture, then add the citri-squash paste?"

"Paste or powder?"

"Paste." She took a sip of her coffee.

"Paste?"

"I don't have my glasses right now, but it looks like paste."

 **X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X**

"So let me get this straight," Joker said, rubbing his forehead. "You want me to use our still top of the line stealth ship to get you and Garrus onto Rannoch in secret, wasting time and United Galactic Federation resources so that Garrus can go grocery shopping without Tali finding out."

"As you so inelegantly put it Joker, yes. Yes we do," she said.

"Oh hell yes," he replied.

 **X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X**

"Shepard, with all due respect, what the fuck," Garrus said, squirming in the restraints. "This was supposed to be grocery shopping."

"I forgot you have a unique talent for pissing off mercs," she said, twisting back and forth. She certainly didn't expect grocery shopping to end in hanging upside down from the roof of a cave.

"They're not mercs, they're pirates," Garrus said.

"Yes and knowing that they're Quarian pirates rather than Quarian mercenaries makes a world of difference." To be fair, mercs were easier to bribe. "It will look so much better when I have to write, "Spectre Shepard and Agent Vakarian were captured by Quarian pirates while attempting to purchase black market squash," into the reports."

"To be fair, neither of us thought, "squash," would be slang for a Quarian drug."

"You ask a guy where you can buy squash, he sends you into a back alley. That doesn't trigger alarm bells?" She twisted her hands under the ropes, trying to reach her omni-tool.

"We scoped out the alley beforehand…" he said.

"…and we thought it was safe," she admitted, glancing around the cave. The pirates left their weapons and her leg on a table. "Any ideas for how we're going to get out of here?"

"Yes, but I can't do it without at least two nail guns, a soldering torch, and pineapple," he said.

"Garrus, that plan was deemed entirely unreasonable by everybody who's seen it, and not to mention illegal in four solar systems, including this one," she said. "If we can get out of the ropes and I get my cloak up, can you make do with a prosthetic leg, a multi-tool, and a protein bar?"

"If we do this, you're not getting that leg back," he said.

"I was looking into some new models anyway," she said. "What do you think, would Kaidan like his-and-hers prosthetics?"

"I think your idea of romance needs some help," he replied. "Also, that plan would be a lot better with the pineapple. Any other ideas?"

"So much better with the pineapple," she said, wrenching her wrists. She was going to have to dislocate her thumbs for this to work. "If I can free my hands enough to use my omni-tool, I can cloak. When they come in to check on us, they will investigate an invisible prisoner, we'll ambush them and make our way through their base unseen, take out their operations, maybe rifle through some crates for credits, and then we'll be on our way."

"It almost seems too easy," he said. "I don't know Shepard, I think you might be losing your touch."

"Say that again when we're safely purchasing real citri-squash paste so that you can bake Tali a delightful cake," she said, taking a deep breath in preparation to dislocate her thumb. "Besides, I've been waiting years for the chance to legally hack Quarian security systems."


End file.
